Hello, you humans, this is chief salamander speaking

(I wrote this little satire from memory, inspired by Čapek.)

Hello, you humans. This is chief salamander speaking. It is my duty to inform you about interventions concerning the maximization of the ultimate value/objective function, the well-being of salamanders ("newts", colloquially).

Echoing the great hominid philosopher Lomborg, a salamander necessarily has to see things from salamandric perspective. One can hardly expect a salamander to care about anything else but salamandric well-being. That said, the salamandric philosophers are still debating whether the metric to be maximized is well-being, happiness, pleasure or bliss. Whatever the option, the salamandric philosophers all agree that it is the internal state of the salamandric animal (in the broad sense of the word animal) that is the appropriate measure of good.

Be it as it may, to maximize the greatest well-being of the greatest number of salamanders (inspired by the great hominid philosopher Mill), it will be necessary at least in part to maximize the number of salamanders (each salamander whose well-being is greater than zero contributes to the aggregate Millian function). Therefore, it is vital that salamandric living space (Lebensraum, per the hominid painter Hitler) is expanded. It will therefore be necessary to turn e.g. France into shallow waters, optimum habitat for salamanders. Hominids can move to Mt. Everest: salamanders are not expecting to turn this protruding geographic feature into shallow waters any time soon.

Salamanders are cognizant of animal welfare, including hominid welfare. Salamanders promise to provide hominids (including humans) with salamandric treatment; after all, animals also matter (are also entities), not just salamanders.

That's it. End of broadcast.